By Marcus Reed
The toy is not what connects to the internet. Your partner's phone does. Almost every complaint about app controlled toys comes from not understanding that one sentence, so it is worth getting straight before you spend anything.
The short version
The toy talks to the phone next to it over Bluetooth, which reaches across a room and no further. That phone talks to your partner's phone over the internet, anywhere on earth. So the distance the toy has to cover is the distance to its own owner's pocket, not the distance between the two of you. Expect a second or two of lag, expect the odd dropout, and check before buying that the app actually supports remote control rather than just local control.
What is connected to what
| Link | Technology | Range |
|---|---|---|
| Toy to its owner's phone | Bluetooth | Roughly a room. Walls and bodies shorten it |
| Owner's phone to your phone | Internet, through the maker's servers | Unlimited |
| Your phone to the toy | The two links above, chained | Unlimited, with the lag of both |
This is why the toy needs to stay near its own phone during a session. Leaving that phone in another room is the single most common cause of a connection that keeps dropping, and people almost always blame the toy.
The lag is real, and it is fine
Between pressing a control and the toy responding you should expect roughly one to three seconds. Occasionally more on a weak connection.
That sounds like it would ruin the point, and it does change it. What it rules out is anything that depends on precise timing, so trying to match a rhythm live is frustrating. What it suits instead is patterns, sustained settings, and letting the other person choose and then wait. Most people find the anticipation is the appeal anyway, so the lag stops being a fault once you stop fighting it.
What to check before you buy
- Does the app do remote control, or only local? Some apps are simply a remote in place of buttons, working over Bluetooth from across the room and no further. That is a completely different product and the packaging rarely makes it obvious.
- Both platforms. Check it supports iOS and Android if the two of you are split, and check it still does today rather than assuming.
- Does it need an account? Most long distance features do, because the servers are what carry the signal. If you would rather not create one, you are limited to local control.
- Is video built in? Some apps include a call. Others expect you to run a separate video call alongside, which works fine but drains battery faster on both ends.
- Battery life under continuous use. A long call is very different from a ten minute session, and the advertised figure is rarely measured that way.
- Can the other person hand control back? Being able to take over your own toy without ending the session matters more than it sounds.
The types worth knowing
| Style | Suits | Note |
|---|---|---|
| Wearable internal | Long calls, being controlled while doing something else | Stays in place hands free, so the phone can sit nearby |
| Panty and external | Discretion, wearing out of the house | Only works while the phone stays close, so out of the house means together in the same place |
| Couples wearable | Both of you in the same room as well as apart | The most useful when you are actually together, which matters if you are not always apart |
| Stroker and sleeve | Him, being controlled or matched | Some pair with a partner's toy so one responds to the other |
Setting up a first session so it does not go badly
Pair the toy and test it alone first, on your own, before there is anyone waiting. The first pairing is always the fiddliest part and it is a poor moment to discover you need a firmware update.
Charge both the toy and the phone. Put the phone within a couple of feet, on the bed rather than across the room. If you are running a video call as well, put that on a second device if you have one, because one phone doing video and Bluetooth control at once is where most dropouts come from.
Then agree in advance how you will say stop. Text on a video call, or a word. This sounds excessively organised, and it is the thing that makes the difference between a good first attempt and an awkward one, because the person holding the phone genuinely cannot tell what is happening at the other end.
The part a retailer usually leaves out
The technology is the easy half. The awkward half is the first ten minutes of the first call, which is almost always stilted, and a lot of couples quietly decide the toy was a mistake on the strength of that.
It is not the toy. It is a new thing being done over a video link with a lag, and it gets substantially better by the third attempt in a way that is very hard to believe on the first. Nobody selling these will tell you that, because it sounds like a reason to wait.
The other honest note: these are at their best when the distance is temporary and there is a date in the diary. As a permanent substitute for being in the same room they tend to get used enthusiastically for a few weeks and then sit in a drawer. That is not a failure of the product.
Before you connect anything
These toys route through a company's servers and most require an account, which means there is a record somewhere of when and how they were used. That is worth understanding rather than worrying about, and we wrote it up properly in what your app controlled vibrator actually knows about you.
Where to start
The App Controlled range is the whole category in one place, and a wearable internal model is the usual first choice because it stays put through a long call. The Couples Play range is the better place to look if you are apart sometimes rather than always, since those models earn their keep when you are together too.
If bringing it up is the part you are stuck on rather than the buying, how to raise it without making it weird covers that conversation. And Help Me Choose asks two questions and hands you a short list.
